Low spirit

So low these days. Few extremely tired not only due to flu, menstrual flow but also busy decoration works, if fringe can be counted one, just tired. Feel everything goes wrong. Nothing is satisfying. Dad gets cross so easily. His behavior is mean, to me and mom.

By comparing to dad of 577, things can be more favorite especially his way of talking and taking conversations. Dad's question and response would end a conversation. However, uncle can talking things more and more. Give his opinion, get others in the talks, pop out relating questions, everything seems smoothly. To be his son is a reward. He will take he out for dinner just them two, one talking one learning, both get their understanding on various social and personal affairs. I'm so envious. I should get what I deserve. I don't think it's fair but can do nothing to solve the cross attitude what my dad was born with. I can't speak out what I 'm thinking, neither can I be silent. So what is supposed what I should be? If the one I should talk to isn't a person who can share, listen to and discuss the idea that we need to exchange with each other, what can I do? I don't want to be mean person. But his questions are always provoking and from an initial of knowing the answer before you give one. I should admit that I make a mistake, but I hate his tone and expressions which is so arrogant and insolent. Giving the fact that I am not the one who should really be blamed for what is occurred.

That is, I'm meeting a problem that can not be solved during my whole life. For as long as there is divergence, there would be cross, mean behavior and rage and the only way to solve it is to listen to what dad says and lost myself. It's himself who push me to the way against what he wants me to do. No matter what he says is right and wrong, the way he says let others unconsciously choose to do in a different direction. Basically, his words with his tone is not acceptable. Or it will be better accepted if he conveys it in a much more friendly way than what he is doing now.

I have suffered enough. Lost hope to live better and have no confidence to go started better relationship with dad. But all of these trouble me a lot and a lot. I want to escape by whatever means, study, work, marry or anything else. I want to leave him and live in the rest of life with regret and peace. Oh god, who will consciously to have this kind of life with good heart, but what I can choose else is living in a live full of cross and rage. I don't want live with him even he is my dad and he contributes to my growing-up. This is so sad. And all of this is wrong. But how to make it right? I tried, desperately, with whole warm heart to communicate with him and hoping to get understanding. Then, what I got? Tears and tears, disappointment and cooled heart. I can say no more. I can not utter any word with willingness. I can't be the daughter he wants. I just can't. I can't live in the 15th century while it is 2008.

I don't have a happy face and high spirit to devote to anything now. Just want a sleep and hope everything happened is a nightmare including the fact I was born.