Tired and no sense

Today I took four exams, all together are the entrance exam of police college, bad or not, I have no idea. Law, just so so. English, easy. Administration Capability Test, confusing. Essay, oops.

I can tell many test takers who have affiliation with the powerful class and even I can smell the supervisor took more care of some one.

The classroom is silent in most of time. Let me guess, most of them are younger than me; most of them took State official exam and failed, as me; maybe there are also someone who don't have a job, as me.

I have no doubt, I am a failure.

At noon, I went to conservatory to have a place to sit and prepare. The campus is changed a lot. The biggest difference is, I can't find a hidden, secret place to stay alone. But it is all I want to do. I hate to meet old schoolmates, old familiars, any one who knows me. I just want to hide myself. I hate others asking about my job and my life. It's in the trouble, lost-way state. Some time, I feel I can get the result that I eager for while spending lots of money, while no any income.

I'm shame of myself.

But, after I finished all-day tests and on the way to bus station, I met up with someone. Someone who is not familiar, not strange, who has an inclination to someone who was supposed to be inclined to me. It's quiet an ordinary old classmates meeting. I don't know how is comes today, typically today, the time is pretty unstable and weak for me. I believe I handled it well. Just say hi and civil talk. Both of us say nothing real about our current state. She may be better than me. Well, I have lost the confidence and believe everyone in my class has a better life than me. I'm well dressed and have good manner but I'm not a good test preparer. I'm clever, but lazy. That's my weakest point.

Well, today, I smell the environment full of men which never happened before to me. But look at these men, do they have great potential, knowledge and good civility? It is not a question I should take care of now but I can't help thinking about it. Upon this, I think myself freak out. Not every man can be Mr. right and why you target these one? One more question, do you have potential? Are you have a cut over others? Then, hopeless man and hopeless woman, this combination leads to tragic ending. You know that, but you know after you have done it. That's your tragedy. Understand after things happen.

Nobody owes you, only you don't treat yourself well. No plan, no effort, no timing, no future. If you can not save yourself, who else you can expect to save you?